


Steadfast, Loyal and True

by snowynight



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Accidental Bonding, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Enforced Fealty, Episode Related, First Time, Five Year Mission, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Pon Farr, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 03:27:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10631175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowynight/pseuds/snowynight
Summary: In a different StarFleet, the regulation dictates that the first officer of its flagship must have their loyalty technologically enforced to their captain. However, loyalty runs both way as Jim gets to know Spock throughout missions and quiet moments they share. Things get complicated when Spock's Pon Farr has returned, and Jim realizes that he'll do everything to save him because he loves Spock, even though he's sure it's unrequited.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Thanks to my beta lah_mrh for her patience and comments! All the remaining mistakes are mine.

"Tell me. What do you think about Starfleet’s regulation to tie the first officer to the flagship captain?"Jim asked over a chess match, waiting for Spock's answer like a convict awaiting his judgment.

"Do not concern yourself. Starfleet's decision is logical. Vulcans have similar measures, only more... stern,"Spock replied when he moved his pawn.

Jim recalled the strain of pain on Spock's face - which didn't even move an eyebrow under the Klingons' mind-sifter - as the punishment of Jim’s injury in their last mission. He was afraid to ask what Spock meant about Vulcans being more stern.

Spock made a move that threatened Jim’s position. Jim looked at the chessboard to save his game and sighed. Despite their long acquaintance, Spock was still an enigma.

* * *

 

When Jim first came aboard the Enterprise, he was a bit overwhelmed by the Vulcan first officer with a spotless record, who was forced to protect him with his life and obey his every order. He invited him to an informal meeting the first night.

Mr. Spock stood at parade rest with an inscrutable expression. "Captain, I understand that you wanted to see me."

"Take a seat,"Jim said and waited for Mr. Spock to do so. Then he continued,"We are starting our five year mission. As you're my first and science officer, I understand that you may have concerns about..."

"As the first officer, my prerogative will be to support and protect you and ensure the mission's success, and I will fulfill my duty to the utmost of my ability. If you need other proof..."

Jim's eyes followed Mr. Spock's to the collar on his neck. It matched his own, serving as a communicative device for wearers to silently communicate with their superiors, but its main purpose was to enforce the wearer's loyalty: transgressions would be punished with various physical punishment. He diverted his eyes. "I'm not challenging your loyalty nor your ability. Your record is spotless, and it's my honour to serve with you. I understand that I haven't proven myself yet, but I want you to know that I don't expect you to bite your tongue and follow my every whim. You are welcome to tell me when you disagree with me. While I can't promise that I will act on them all, I will always listen to and respect your suggestions. Any comment?"

"Very well, Captain, but I am not sure why you have to stress that I do not bite my tongue."Mr. Spock replied calmly, raising an eyebrow."It would be painful and illogical to take this action."

Jim couldn't believe his ears. Did Mr. Spock tell a joke? He grinned and stood up. "Thanks for your understanding."He was looking forward to more surprise from his first officer.

* * *

 

In their first mission, they beamed down to a space station to investigate a distress signal. The ion storm prevented the use of the transporter, and their shuttle malfunctioned when landing on the planet.

"Do you know what the problem is? Can you fix it?"Jim asked.

Mr. Spock looked out from under the panel."The computer control is disrupted by an energy signal nearby."He checked his tricorder."The energy source should be in a 30.5m range away from here in this direction."

Jim frowned. Deliberate sabotage was bad news. "Check your phasers and set them on stun. We will investigate and try to disable the source."

They marched towards what Mr. Spock's tricorder indicated would be the source while remaining alert about their surrounding. Spock pinpointed the source to the space outpost ahead. Jim used his phaser to melt the lock, and led his team inside.

The building inside was so dark that Jim had to use his night vision device to get through the corridor. The screens were dark and the panels didn't respond to Mr. Spock's attempts to access them. Then Jim heard a squeaking sound from his left.

Jim had his phaser ready as they proceeded and the sound became louder. When they got to the first room ahead Jim smelt rotten food and the squeaking sound was loud enough to hurt his ears.

Something bit his leg. Jim swallowed a curse before trying to get rid of his attacker. When he finally flung the thing away, it hit the ground, but more small red lights lit up and the squeaking sound got nearer, coming from different directions."Shoot!"Jim ordered.

Finally they broke all the robot mice, but Jim swallowed a groan as both his legs hurt.

Mr. Spock said,"The signal of the source has intensified. It should be ahead of us."

"Go on,"Jim said. His wounds could wait until they were out of the darkness.

Mr. Spock led them to the detected energy source: a room with a smell of rotten food. Jim stopped mid-stride when he saw a glowing blob with tentacles guarded by several humans in Starfleet uniforms. A closer look showed that their eyes were dead and moved like puppets, part of their limbs were rotten or bitten off. Jim signalled,"Shoot!"

Unfortunately the zombie guards had already discovered them. They were clumsy, but they could kept their attack despite being shot repeatedly. One nearly got Jim's right arm before Spock got ahead of him and blocked it, shooting down the zombie. The squeaking sound got louder, probably summoned by the blob, so Jim shot at it repeatedly until it vaporised.

After checking out the base, Jim commed the Enterprise, "Kirk to Enterprise, Five to beam up. Have a medical team ready."

Jim noticed that Mr. Spock was favouring his right leg more aboard, so he insisted on a sickbay checkup.

"I didn't pay enough attention to your status down there,"Jim said. It was a stupid mistake: a good commander should be aware of his team's situation so that he could best make use of their abilities.

"Do not concern yourself. It is only the effect of delayed punishment for your injury,"Mr. Spock said calmly.

Jim felt as if he had been sucker punched as he should have realized that. He almost rushed to the sickbay to be patched up. Then Mr. Spock's walking visually improved. After they had been checked out, Jim stopped Mr. Spock to say, "I’m sorry."

"It is part of my duty to protect you,"Mr. Spock answered.

"I am grateful anyway and I will try to be more careful."

"It's a wise course of action. If you do not mind, I have duty in the biology laboratory."

"Sure, you're dismissed. "

Jim watched his back with a tightened chest. He would never forget that Spock was the price of his command.

After the weeks Jim worked together with Spock, he found a good rapport with his quiet competent first officer. He tried to stay safe in missions, but Spock still suffered when he lapsed. He had sent his crew for dangerous and almost suicidal mission, and had lived with the hard decisions he made, but this felt more personal.

It wasn't long after that that a diplomatic mission went haywire. The intel neglected to tell them about the recent alliance between the local council and the Klingons, so they walked straight into a trap. Held in a cell, Jim spoke silently through the collar to Spock, who was held in another cell.

"Status, Mr. Spock?"

"I am working on the lock, but with my current tool I estimate that I need 3.47 more minutes."

"We don't really have much time,"Jim frowned."Work on. I’ll try to cause a diversion to attract and subdue the guard to get his key."

"Duly noted."

Jim rolled around the cell, screaming and shouting, and throwing things around. Luckily the guard fell for that and Jim knocked him down, grabbed his key, and stripped him naked, tying him up with his own shirt. He put on the uniform, freed Spock and his team. After getting back their communicators, he summoned a security team to show the fleet's muscle to the local council. They responded with a favourable treaty to the Federation.

"We need more missions that go well,"Jim said to Spock afterward."It's as if we were cursed."

He took a deep breath and said. "Sometimes I wonder whether I should stay off landing parties."

It would hurt to be kept out from the front line, but he had to consider others now.

"Our missions do have a tendency to go off predicted outcome,"Spock said, "However, your ingenuity has managed to turn them to success so far."

"Really?"

"I speak from facts. Your presence improves our success rate by 13.7 %."

"Why, Mr Spock, I didn't know you approved of me."Jim feeling lighthearted, smiled warmly to make sure that Spock knew he was teasing.

"It is logical to approve of successes,"Spock said, turning his eyes away to his station.

Jim watched the back of his head. Was his first officer fond of him?

* * *

 

During another regular chess game, Jim made his next move with his knight. when Spock was planning his move, Jim asked, "How did you pick up chess?"

"I picked this up in a previous starbase assignment, where the extreme weather limited recreation options of my colleagues, and my superior was fond of chess."

"Were they good?"

"She was a decent chess player, but with a very different style from yours."

"We should play more so you can get even with me."

"May I inform you that currently I have won 58.7 % of our games?"

"I didn't realize that you kept a record,"Jim smiled. "By the way, checkmate."

When Spock frowned at the chessboard, Jim smiled inside. He was lucky to have Spock as his first officer and friend.

* * *

Under the Starfleet command’s order, the Enterprise arrived at the third planet of the Pegasus System, Gwoza, which petitioned for membership to the Federation. Gwoza was technologically advanced and in a strategic position, so Jim’s superiors stressed how important the mission was to him during the brief.

For once the diplomatic mission was going well, Jim thought, as sweat flowed down his back. As earthquakes happened in Gwoza frequently, they preferred holding large events in open space, and the twin suns of Gwoza were merciless. He smiled at the Gwoza governor, whose long neck and beak reminded him of pictures of cranes on Earth, and broke into a discussion of the following arrangements for negotiations.

Spock was talking with some of the local scientists, and Jim could see the well-guarded excitement in his bright eyes. Their terraforming technology was impressive, and could help enormously with establishing new planetary settlements. Meanwhile, Bones was talking with local medical experts and exchanging information.

After the details were settled, the Governor said, "We have arranged a new advanced domicile for you and your crew, and I wish you all a good night of rest."

"Thank you,"Jim replied. "I am grateful for your hospitality and look forward to further exchange between our people."

The domicile was so big that it could house a dozen people at ease. It was designed to withstand earthquakes by swaying and moving with the vibrations.

"What did you learn today?"Jim asked his people as they settled in.

"The terraforming technology of Gwoza is impressive,"Spock replied with sparks in his eyes.

"Their emergency medicine is superb. No surprise considering how often they have earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. I don't know how they can sleep knowing that they live just above a massive fault line."

"People are very adaptable. San Francisco isn't exactly the most stable city. It doesn't deter the locals. Not to mention Starfleet."

"One more proof that people are already unhinged before joining Starfleet. Explains all the transporter madness."

"All right, what else have you observed?"Jim asked his other team members. It was good for their training, and helped him make better decisions with more information.

"People are really friendly. I talked with a lot of them, and it's interesting how the frequent earthquakes factor into their cultural beliefs. One mentioned a sect that sees earthquakes as a sign that people must change anew and break open their old selves, so they're big into body modification,"Dr Koon said. She had extensive expertise in xeno anthropology, and Spock spoke highly of her.

"Good observation,"Jim said, and Dr Koon brightened up.

The local government held a grand ball the next night to welcome them, and Jim talked with various officials, councillors, business people and others. One of the local leaders approached him. Her face was tattooed with a complicated geometric pattern, so he asked her about that as a conversation starter.

She chirped in delight. "It is an equation to calculate the entropy in the universe, written in the notation of our ancient mathematics system."

"An interesting choice."

"Chaos and transformation are the ways of the universe. Our planet is constantly reshaped by destruction, and I wanted a sign to reflect that."

She talked about her recent community project to allow people in poor areas to transform abandoned areas into a public art space, and Jim listened with interest. He was just about to ask more when Spock’s warning came: "Jump right!"

Jim jumped, falling to the ground as a shot shot through the air. Spock wrestled with the assassin while people started to panic. The governor shouted,"Security! Evacuate the guests and check over the place!"

* * *

 

"We are sorry for this. It should never have happened,” the governor said, after the assassin was in custody.

"Have your people figured out who was behind it?"

"She was sent by an extreme xenophobic organization, which wanted to sabotage our negotiations. I hope that you understand her actions are a disgust to our people and in no way reflect on us."

"We understand,” Jim said. "The negotiations will continue as planned."

The governor looked relieved. "Thank you. We are very grateful for this. Is it all right if you go on with tomorrow's ceremony as planned?"

"Sure, it will show that neither of our governments back down from the threat of violence, and I trust that you can provide sufficient security."

"Of course. We have strengthened our security measures and will send a copy of the plan to you for confidential use."

"Thank you."

When Jim ended the visual call, he said to Spock, "Thank you for saving my life again."Never had he been so glad about the collars.

"It is my duty,” Spock said, as Jim expected, but he found himself weirdly frustrated by the answer. _What did I expect him to say?_ Jim wondered.

"We really should stop meeting like this,” Jim said. "Let's go over the security plan together to make sure it’ll go smoothly."

"Yes, Captain."

* * *

 

There was a press session after the ceremony. One of the reporters stuck her microphone in Jim's face.

"Rumour has it that your first officer is a mind breaker. Can you comment on that?"

Jim pushed the microphone away from him, glaring at the reporter."My first officer is an accomplished Starfleet officer and acclaimed scientist. I suggest you do more research based on facts as a proper reporter should do, rather than listening to rumours and slander."He turned away from her."Any other questions?"

It wasn't until they had finished the mission and were sharing a meal together in Jim’s quarters that, Jim let his anger show. "I can't believe her nerve. Calling you a mind breaker!”

"Many fear the mental abilities of Vulcans,” Spock said."I have come across people with similar opinions before."

"Has anyone made these kinds of remarks to you before on this ship?” Jim asked. Heads would roll if the answer was yes.

"Not on this ship."

"Good. I won’t tolerate this kind of behaviour. By the way, what exactly is your ability, if you don't mind telling?"Jim asked, figuring that the knowledge would be useful in future missions.

Spock paused for a moment before continuing. "Vulcans can meld with other beings to know their thoughts, but our ethics forbid us from forcing it on unwilling victims. We can also channel energy to our fingers to render someone unconscious."

"The famous Vulcan nerve pinch, right?"Jim nodded."Thanks for telling me, and be reassured that I won’t ask you to go against your principles."

"Do you have other concerns?"

"What concerns should I have?"Jim asked. "It doesn't change anything, unless you confess that you won our last game because you read my strategy from my mind."

"I will not…"

"See? Everything's settled and let’s have another match."

* * *

 

"I can't imagine how a captain can do without their Vulcan First Officer,"Jim said to Bones as they shared a weekly drink in Bones’s office. "Spock is a godsend."

"How touching,” Bones replied, the sarcasm thick as rough sandpaper.

"We would have been done for many times without him, and I know you like him."

"What? The green blooded computer? Are you crazy?"Bones said. "To be honest, when I came here, I didn't expect you to be so close with him."

"Why?"

"Both of you are so different from each other, and yet you're both stubborn as hell. I expected you to clash."

"I’m not so bad, and neither is Spock."

"Yes, Mr 'I will collapse on the bridge before I take shore leave'. Come to think it, it's no surprise you two have bonded. You're both going to work yourselves to early graves."

Jim raised a hand. "Let’s agree to disagree. How’s your work?"

Later that night he recalled his similar worry about Spock when he first came aboard. He smiled. How quickly things could change.

* * *

Captain’s log: Stardate 2946.26. Dr. Scheweiser, a renowned Starfleet scientist has been abducted by Klingons for her research. We have followed the intel about her captors’ location to launch a rescue mission.

"How’s your progress?” Jim asked, watching the corridor for any signs of Klingon soldiers.

"The code is complicated, and I estimate that I will need 21.37 minutes to crack the code,” Spock answered without raising his eyes from the terminal he was working on.

"We can’t afford that much time. The Klingons may come at any time."Jim sighed, looking at the one person who could crack the code, Dr. Scheweiser who they were sent to save from the Klingon kidnappers.

Dr. Scheweiser kept watching the wall and muttered incoherently, paying no attention to Jim, Spock, or the blood leaking from her newly bandaged arms.

"Dr. Scheweiser? Dr. Scheweiser? I am Captain Kirk from the Enterprise and we need your help,” Jim stayed at his original spot and spoke softly to her, but she ignored him like his previous attempts.

Jim paced the room. They needed to escape to the surface so that the Enterprise could lock on to their coordinates to beam them back to the ship. The killing robots guarding the tunnel made any such attempt a suicide, and the Kingon enforcement working with her kidnapper might come anytime. Only she knew the deactivation code of the robots. However, the brutal torture she had endured rendered her completely incoherent.

"Can we find another way out?” he asked.

"It will be too risky,"Spock said, "considering the machine’s firepower and speed."

"I was afraid you’d say that,” Jim said."If we still stay here, we’ll be done for. Any way we can calm her down enough to talk?”

Spock looked down at the ground."I can meld with her to share her knowledge."

"Is it safe?” Jim asked.

"It should be."

"Then do it,” Jim said, grateful for Spock’s action.

Spock sat by Dr. Scheweiser’s side and asked, "May I share your thoughts?”

She looked like a rabbit caught in headlights, but she nodded.

Spock put his hand on her face in a strange gesture."My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts…”

Jim watched them carefully in case anything went wrong. He considered separating them when a look of pain crossed Spock's face, but then Spock pulled his hand away and said, "I can lead us, Captain."

"After you, Mr. Spock."Jim supported the scientist and followed.

* * *

 

They returned to the Enterprise and the medical team immediately transferred Dr. Scheweiser to the sickbay for treatment. Spock looked as stoic as ever, but he was quieter than usual during the briefing, and Jim remembered his look of pain.

At the end of the briefing, Jim said to Spock, "Could you stay behind?” Spock was unlikely to admit to his weakness in public, and Jim wanted to respect his privacy.

"Yes, Captain."

When it was only them in the room, Jim asked, "Are you all right?”

"I am adequate,” Spock replied.

"But I saw your face during the meld. You were in pain."

"Her memory of torture inevitably leaked out to my mind. This kind of transfer of emotion and memory is common in a meld. Meditation will be adequate for me to reestablish my mental balance."

Spock’s face was as impassive as ever, as if he were talking about a routine inspection instead of admitting being exposed to the memory and sensation of torture. Jim rolled his eyes.

"Do it. I’ll take you off the next two shifts. Remember to report to the sickbay if you feel anything wrong."

"Very well, Captain."

"You should take better care of yourself,” Jim said."I count on my first officer to be in his best shape to cover our back."

"I shall live up to your expectation, Captain,” Spock replied with a straight face, but his eyes betrayed a hint of humour.

"I’ll hold you to that. Now sickbay, Mister,” Jim said, deciding to ask Bones about Spock’s health after Spock’s check up.

* * *

 

Jim found himself wondering what a meld would be like, but he didn’t expect that a chance to experience it would come so soon. A sadistic alien with delusions of grandeur trapped Spock and him in a maze of illusion. He stared at the bottomless cliff ahead. Even though Spock assured him that it was only an illusion and the only way out, he still couldn’t jump ahead as instructed.

Jim turned to Spock apologetically."I’m sorry, but it looks too real."

"I may have a solution,” Spock said."If you agree to it."

"Lay it out,” Jim said. He would do anything to get away from this rat maze.

"As the alien’s ability works on the mind, I can meld with you to convince your mind that it is an illusion."

"No offense to you, Spock, but will you read all my thoughts? I prefer to keep them private."

"I can set up a barrier to ensure the contact is restricted to the most surface thoughts, but it is your decision, and I will respect whether you accept my proposal."

Jim raised his chin."Let’s do it. What should I do?”

"Calm down and relax,” Spock said, putting his hand on Jim’s face."My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts…”

It was strange to feel Spock’s mind inside him at first, but Spock's presence moved gently, like the west wind, soothing away his nervousness.

 _What should I do?_ Jim asked.

_Relax, and I will share the reality with you._

_Do your best,_ Jim thought back, and projected as much trust as possible.

 _You have a dynamic mind_ , Spock whispered in his mind. _Very well, I will start now._

Jim felt Spock’s presence holding him, leading him to dive deeper into a calm crystalline sea. The crystals glowed in a complicated pattern, and somehow Jim understood that it was Spock's mind at work.

 _It’s beautiful,_ Jim thought

Jim sensed a flicker of surprise and embarrassment from Spock. Then Spock led him to touch one of them.

Logic had never felt so real to Jim, as if it were a thing of flesh and blood. The illusion the aliens set up were elaborate and sophisticated, but they were only a trick of the mind.

 _Jump, Jim,_ Spock thought. _You saw the truth. It cannot harm you._

Jim jumped.

It felt like a free fall, but at the same time Spock anchored him, his presence wrapping Jim up, steadying his feet. Jim had never felt so safe.

When the aliens ceded defeat and released them back to the ship, Jim felt the keen loss of Spock's presence and guiltily wished for a second chance to meld with Spock.

* * *

 

What was the deal with all these powerful alien beings who kept treating his crew and him as amusement? Jim frowned at this self-centered buffoon who called himself Trelane. No way Jim would let him continue to toy with them. Seeing Trelane’s addiction to dramatics, he challenged him to a duel.

Then Trelane pointed his gun at Spock.

Jim saw the quickly suppressed fear on Spock's face, and it sealed the deal."Fine."

"Captain,” Spock said, adding silently, _You should not agree to his terms._

 _Trust me,_ Jim transmitted back his message to Spock.

When Trelane’s parents dragged Trelane away like the spoiled brat he was and released Jim to the Enterprise, Spock frowned at Jim and said,"We need to talk, Captain."

Jim sighed."I understand your concern, but I took a calculated risk."

"I do not have concerns about your actions. It is reasonable,” Spock said, though his icy glare conveyed otherwise, "for a captain to recklessly disregard his safety, while my duty is to stay back and be useless. However, it is my honour to serve."

Jim saw the deepened lines on Spock's face."I worried you, right?"

"Vulcans do not worry,” Spock said."As the First Officer of the Enterprise, my duty is to protect you and ensure the ship's safety."

Jim's collar felt suffocating on his neck. What he did was illogical, but he couldn’t put his safety above his crew, especially Spock.

Jim had long accepted his illogic where his first officer was concerned.

"I'll be more careful, I promise."Jim hated to see Spock's worry, so he hoped he could keep his promise.

* * *

 

One month later Jim finally was able to put Trelane completely behind his concern. The Enterprise was on course for exploration missions, and Jim thought Planet E546 would be his new favourite.

For once the universe smiled on the Enterprise. The continent on Planet E546 they were ordered to survey was beautiful, and the precursor survey showed a lack of native sentient life and potential danger. Spock's science people had a field day cataloguing the native animals and plants, and their report on the native life was fascinating. Although it was strictly unnecessary, Jim beamed down along with Spock and his people because he missed the outdoors.

The sunlight and the wind were gentle, and there were a wide variety of trees, shrubs and grass. The gravity was higher than that of Earth, but still acceptable to humans. The scientists were excited about its biodiversity, theorizing that the abundance of creeks, small ponds, small hills and valleys, served as natural barriers and contributed to the wide varieties. Jim was content to let his people work and appreciated the natural beauty, which reminded him of the old description of paradise. He joined Spock, who was collecting data on a blue flower with a cinnamon smell.

"What's so interesting?"Jim asked.

"Watch."Spock pointed at the flower. A group of tiny blue beetles flew to the flowers, climbed into the centre and stacked onto each other. Then they flew away, their hairy legs covered with yellow pollen.

"The smell of the flower mimics the beetles' pheromones to entice them to copulate here. In turn the beetles pollinate the flower."

"It's ingenious,"Jim said."So we practically watched a drug induced beetle orgy. What do the beetles get out of the deal?"

Spock stiffened his lips."A place for mating."

"Is something wrong?” Jim frowned, not liking Spock’s change of mood.

"I am well. Do not concern yourself,” Spock replied, but he still looked troubled.

Jim wanted to ask further, but Spock’s face was closed off to further questions. Jim sighed. He would have to watch Spock carefully.

* * *

Spock estimated that the survey mission would have to last for three more days, so Jim ordered his crew to set up camp planetside for an overnight stay.

"It’s amazing how well things went today,” Jim said as he climbed into his sleeping bag in his shared tent."This is a really beautiful place. I hope it can remain undisturbed by colonization."

"Starfleet will most likely heed our report to conserve the natural environment here."

"I hope so, too. It’s times like this which remind me why I love space. It has its share of danger, but also wonder and beauty,” Jim said."How about you? What was your reason for joining Starfleet?”

"I wanted to see beyond my planet."

"Are you satisfied with what you've seen so far?” Jim asked.

"The universe is more unexpected than I had thought,” Spock said."I am content."

Jim smiled."What have you found the most interesting so far?"

"I once worked with a team on time travel. While theoretically possible, the calculations and engineering involved are both complicated."

"It would be mind bending if we could travel through time at will. Humans have aspired to travel to the past or future for centuries,” Jim said.

"I was informed of that by my colleagues regularly."

"Did they get you to read the book The Time Machine? I found it inspiring when I was young."

"I did not as my work occupied my time."

"Remind me to lend you the book. What time period would you go to if you could choose any?"

"It would be an honour to listen to Surak’s teaching in person."

"I really admire Surak for what he did: going against the norm to teach logic and peace during wartime,"Jim said."It took great courage."

Spock's expression softened."You have a more extensive knowledge of him than most humans."

"I make it a policy to understand my crew’s culture, and, like I say, I find Surak inspiring."

Spock nodded."And what about you? What time period do you want to visit?"

 _Tarsus. The Farragut_. Jim felt his throat constrict. So much regret."I'm not sure. The past shapes us to be what we are today, and the future is best experienced firsthand."

"Your argument is sound."

"Glad to hear that."Jim changed the topic, not wanting to dwell on his past."I remember a first contact mission to a place where the regular storms are so great that they could flatten a city, and you can't imagine how impressive their underground structure is, and the system that decides where one is allotted. I had no idea people could be so ingenious."

They shared personal stories and past missions, and Jim was glad to get closer to Spock.

* * *

 

Jim appreciated the value of mapping missions in an uncharted sector, but he was bored. When he started to hope for an alien attack, he went looking for Spock to see what interesting discovery he may have made.

When Jim arrived at lab 5, Spock was doing experiments alone. Technically the lab was for the ship's use, but Spock's subordinates stayed away out of respect, even though Spock would never even think of levering the lab for his personal use.

"What’re you doing?"Jim asked, looking over his shoulder."I am studying the microorganisms we collected from Plant E546,” Spock said.

"Tell me more,” Jim replied. He was interested in science, and more importantly, he enjoyed knowing what Spock was fascinated by.

Spock's eyes sparkled as he explained his hypothesis and experiments, his voice animated when he answered Jim’s questions. Jim loved watching Spock all curious and enthusiastic, the rare emotions Spock let himself express in public.

"Want to grab a meal together?"Jim asked.

Spock nodded, and tidied up his equipment. When they took their meal at their usual table, Jim asked, "Are you taking shore leave?"

"As I have explained to you before, Vulcans do not take leave."

"Even if I asked nicely?"Jim asked."I know a place that will interest you, and it’ll be less fun if I go alone."

"What about the doctor?"

Jim laughed."I love Bones, but he's more the bar hopping type, and he already has a date. I promise I'll be good. Think of the trouble you'll save me from just by being there."

"Very well."Spock not- quite-sighed."I will join you."

"Wonderful! I’ll go ahead with the arrangements. You won't regret it."

* * *

 

It was worth it, Jim thought when they arrived at the botanical garden on Starbase 19, the largest in the sector. Spock lost himself in the plants, taking data with his tricorder, and his eyes lit up whenever he came across a new specimen. Jim was content watching Spock and the plants, warmed up by how excited Spock was.

"It is impressive,"Spock said."I have read about them before, but never seen a lot of them as actual specimens. Thank you, Jim."

"I am glad you like it,"Jim said."Take your time. There's no need for hurry."

Spock’s eyes lingered on a rare Andorian plant. Then he said, "You need sustenance, as you have not had any food since your scheduled lunch was interrupted."

"I’ll be fine,"Jim said, despite starting to realize how hungry he was.

Spock saw through him as usual."Where is the nearest restaurant?"

"Fine,"Jim sighed. It was hard to resist Spock's concern."I know a nearby Edosian teahouse with great vegetarian options. Let's go."

Everything in the Edosian teahouse was golden or silver: the wall, the furniture, the utensils and cups, and the servers’ uniforms. Jim settled at his table with Spock, and handed over the menu.

"The tea menu here is impressive,” Jim said."Last time I was here there were over one hundred choices. I have no idea what most of them are, but the twig tea I tried was really good."

"I agree,” Spock said."I have rarely had the chance to try Edosian Ale Night tea before."

"What’s so special about the tea?”

Spock launched into a lecture about the preparation method of the tea (apparently some kinds of fungi and yeasts were used). Jim nodded and commented in the right places, basking in Spock’s enjoyment. He knew right away that Spock would enjoy the place.

The server came for their orders. Spock ordered the Ale Night tea and a salad while Jim was fascinated by a drink named the Electric Java

"Is the Electric Java safe for human consumption?” Jim asked.

The server nodded."It’s safe, and is very refreshing."

"All right. I would like the noodle, and an Electric Java please."

"Right away."

Jim and Spock were discussing the plants they saw when the server silently returned, with each of her three hands holding their orders.

"Enjoy your lunch,” the server said, putting the dishes down in a lightning speed.

"Thank you."Jim replied with a smile.

Spock’s tea was a sweet smelling black tea. His salad was colourful: pink and purple crunchy leaves, golden nuts, red juicy fruits and a green spiral vegetable. Jim’s Electric Java gave him a minor shock, but he liked the strong fizzing citrus flavour. His noodle dish looked good, with a nutty smell.

Spock picked up his fork to start with his salad, and Jim watched his move, mesmerized by how long and graceful his fingers were. He shook his head and focused on his noodle, not sure why he stared at Spock like that.

"How’s your tea and salad?”

Spock said,"It is very good."Jim never saw Spock so enthusiastic with his food. He decided that the food synthesizer needed an update of its vegetarian option. Spock should put on more weight.

"Can I try some?” Jim asked playfully.

Spock raised an eyebrow at him and nodded. He forked a piece of the fruit, and put it to Jim’s mouth under Jim’s widened eyes. Jim’s heartbeat quickened when he ate it, almost feeling the lingering warmth on the fork. However, Spock behaved as usual afterwards, so Jim didn’t think about it. After all, it was only two friends enjoying a meal together.

* * *

 

**Eminiar Seven**

Despite Jim’s protest, Ambassador ordered the Enterprise to establish contact at all cost. Jim understood the importance of command of chain, but he hated how he was forced to risk his people's life walking into hostile territory.

Jim paced in his cell. after Mea supposedly left for her disintegration."How can a civilization choose to disintegrate its citizens like this?" _And that fool Ambassador Fox. 24 hours. 24 hours until Eminiar Seven fires on the Enterprise and starts a full scale war."_ We need to find a way out."

 _Captain, I may be able to use my telepathic ability to set us free,_ Spock transmitted through his collar.

_Do you think it may work?_

_Limited telepathic abilities are inherent in Vulcans. It may work. It may not work._

_Do your best._

Spock walked over to where the guard was directly behind the door, and seemed to be doing a meld. The guard opened the door and entered, and was swiftly disarmed.

Jim was relieved that Spock looked unaffected by the meld."Thank you, Mr. Spock."

"My pleasure, Captain."

"What do we do now?"Yeoman Tamula asked.

"We’ll need to get back our communicators to contact the ship,” Jim continued, hating how his next words were necessary."Mr. Spock, we’ll need other weapons."

"I understand,” Spock said, but his taut shoulders betrayed his tension.

"We'll try to take it easy, but if we're forced to kill..."Jim raised the gun, watching his team to make sure that they got his message. He held the only gun out, leading the way into the corridors. If there had to be a kill, he would brace the blood on his hands.

It was eerie watching people calmly walk into the disintegration machine, and Jim vowed that it must be stopped.

"Mister Spock,"he said, "That guard. I'll cover you."

His hands started to sweat as Spock walked nonchalantly up to the guard.

"Sir, there's a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder,” Spock said, and neck-pinched the guard.

Jim stared along with the rest. Spock rejoined Jim with the guard’s weapon, and Jim leapt into action.

"All right, you people, clear out of the way."

Jim fired at the booth, and it blew up. Now that he had thrown a monkey wrench into the war machinery, he led everyone out.

"Scotty, General Order 24. Two hours! Two hours!"Jim ordered, clenching his fists. The hypocrisy of Anan made him see blood. It was so easy to have a clean and harmless war forever when he never needed to face death itself. Now it was time to turn the tables on him.

He watched Anan’s increasing panic with an indifferent mask, but the burden of billions of lives weighed heavily. If this fool fired on the Enterprise, it would mean an all out war with the Federation. He doubted Anan thought about the consequences. _Politicians_ , he thought. _It's so easy when others bleed for their nicely constructed order._

"What I want or don't want has nothing to do with it. Escalation is automatic. You can stop it!"Anan shouted.

"Stop it? I'm counting on it,” Jim said. It was a gamble he had to win at any price.

It was at that moment that Spock arrived. He took a look at the room and raised an eyebrow.

"I had assumed you needed help. I see I'm in error,"he said.

Even in such a grave situation, Jim was glad to hear Spock's voice. With Spock, they would get through this.

"No. I need the help. In there, Mister Spock."

"Death, destruction, disease, horror. That's what war is all about, Anan. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided. You've made it neat and painless. So neat and painless, you've had no reason to stop it. And you've had it for five hundred years. Since it seems to be the only way I can save my crew and my ship, I'm going to end it for you, one way or another,"Jim said."Mister Ambassador." _Finally the ambassador can do something useful."_ Would you mind taking these people out into the corridor and holding them there."

"Yes, Captain,"Fox said.

Jim destroyed the war computers, finding the explosion very satisfying. The two planets were finally forced to make peace for the first time in five centuries. He hoped they now had a better future.

Back on the bridge, Jim bantered with Spock and Bones, and projected his usual confidence. It wouldn't do for the crew to realize that their captain was just a fallible mortal.

"I had a feeling that they would do anything to avoid it, even talk peace,"Jim said.

"A feeling is not much to go on,"Spock replied dryly.

"Sometimes a feeling, Mister Spock, is all we humans have to go on."Jim smiled, not wanting Spock to know how true his words were.

"Captain, you almost make me believe in luck."Spock’s eyes smiled.

Jim felt the bridge brighten up."Why, Mister Spock, you almost make me believe in miracles."

On the ship’s screen, the stars and galaxies glittered. Jim knew that more difficult decisions would come as he went deeper to the stars, but as long as he had Spock and the ship, he would not fail.

* * *

 

**Janus VI**

"Mister Spock, we seem to have been given a choice. Death by asphyxiation or death by radiation poisoning,” Jim said, projecting outwards calm to hide his anxiety.

48 hours. 48 hours before the life support system failed. Another time when Jim had to save a planet within a tight deadline, and Vanderberg’s budging didn’t help Jim’s headache.

Jim sighed when he read the reluctance in Spock for the order to kill the creature. He would like to spare it, both for Spock and its own sake, but he had his order."I'm sorry, Mister Spock, but I'm afraid the creature must die."

"I see no alternative myself, Captain. It merely seems a pity. The search team is gathering in the main tunnel,"Spock said.

"Good,” Jim said, wishing he could find another way.

* * *

 

Jim was both amused and annoyed at Spock's attempts at being devious, but, more importantly, he was relieved that Spock worded his command in a way that he could get away from the collar’s punishment.

"I will lose no more men. The creature will be killed on sight and that's the end of it."

"Very well, sir."

Despite Spock’s words, Jim doubted if Spock would really kill the creature. He tried to get Spock out of the danger, but Spock saw through his excuses and insisted on staying with him. Well, Jim decided, he would just need to keep Spock out of trouble.

Later, Jim couldn’t forget how Spock’s voice broke when he told him the creature was nearby, and how willing Spock was to kill it despite his previous protests. Part of him whispered it was the duty again, and his collar itched with the thought. But he kept recalling the rare emotion on Spock’s face, and wishing that it was more. When did Spock’s feelings about him became so important that he would go back on his order? Jim was scared to think about the implications.

* * *

 

"Captain's log, stardate 3289.8. I am faced with the most difficult decision of my life. Unless we find a way to destroy the creatures without killing their human hosts, my command responsibilities will force me to kill over a million people."

Beware of what you wish for, Jim thought. Once again he faced the universe’s sadistic deal: to save billions of people, he would need to kill over a million people. His nephew. Spock. If not for Spock’s sacrifice...

Spock. Enduring unimaginable pain, Spock volunteered himself to save the millions of people from the parasite. Because of Jim’s stupidity, Spock was blind.

_"The creature within me is gone. I am free of it and the pain."Spock said,"And I'm also quite blind. An equitable trade, Doctor. Thank you."_

By a miracle Spock recovered, but…

 _I can’t continue like this._ As a captain, his prerogative was to the mission and the ship. Everyone, including him was expendable. Jim’s collar was only one of the reminders of this fact. He would sacrifice his friends for the safety of billions, no matter the personal cost, but why did Spock have to pay the price?

There was a knock at the door."Enter,” Jim said. He would rather have no visitors, but a captain didn’t have the luxury of personal choice.

It was Spock. He looked paler, the lines on his face deeper. Jim memorized every line and curve on Spock’s face, a face that he once thought would never see again.

"You should rest,” Jim said."Are you all right?”

"The doctor has cleared me for light duty,” Spock said.

"Spock,” Jim said. _What should he say?"_ I’m sorry."

Spock tilted his head."I don’t recognize any grievance between us."

"I should be more careful. I blinded you."

"The sunlight blinded me temporarily,” Spock said."Even the doctor and I did not realize that specific light spectrum were sufficient for the cause. You have no reason to blame yourself."

"But it was my order. I pushed you both into it."

"Jim,” Spock said gently. "Given the urgent situation, you made the order based on our best suggestion, and I made the choice of my own free will. It is no use thinking of what might have been."

Jim felt ashamed that he was being comforted by Spock, while Spock was the one that had been hurt by him."I’m still sorry, even though I know I may ask you to make similar sacrifices in the future."

"We’re both Starfleet Officers. We both know our duties and the risks involved."

"Do you want to play chess?” Jim asked, not sure how to express his gratitude for Spock.

"I must decline, as I am not at my best."

"Do you want me to read to you? My mother always did that when Sam and I were young."Sam. How would his mother and Peter deal with the future?

"I am interested in your Terran speculative fiction."

"Great. Let’s read The Time Machine,” Jim said, picking up his book. At least he could finally share it with Spock.

Spock’s dry comments on the book were as entertaining as the book itself, and Jim loosened up from the day’s tension. Spock was back at his side, the one silver lining of this nightmare.

* * *

 

Pon Farr.

Strange that among the various things he thought of losing Spock to, he had never thought that he would lose Spock to his Vulcan biology. Spock was Spock, and Jim took him as a whole person, instead of thinking him as anything. A dangerous oversight from himself.

He felt eerily calm as he went against his orders to get Spock to Vulcan. _Isn't that worth a career? He's my friend._ It didn't matter if he had to give up his dream. It didn't matter if he lost Spock to his fiancée on Vulcan. Spock would survive. It was all he cared about.

When he visited Spock before their arrival, it broke his heart to watch Spock's stooped posture and dull eyes, knowing how Spock would rather die than let himself be so exposed. He held Spock's shaking hand and said, "We're getting there. You’ll be fine."

Spock appeared almost normal when he invited Jim and Bones to Vulcan, which gave Jim hope that they could get through this day intact.

_They are not outworlders. They are my friends._

_With my life, T’Pau._

Jim would honour Spock by accepting the Vulcan terms to save Spock's life.

It was a big mistake for a commander to presume based on inadequate information, as Jim realised painfully when T'Pau uttered the words, "To the death."However, would he back out knowing the facts? No, he couldn't.

_Kill Spock? That's not what I came to Vulcan for, is it?_

Jim couldn't breathe. The straps tightened around his neck, and his chest hurt. Spock would kill him. Something he would have thought impossible only two hours ago.

His death would doom Spock.

Jim panicked, but he was too weak to struggle.

 _Live_ , Jim transmitted to Spock before everything went dark.

* * *

 

"Don't you think you better check with me first?"Jim smiled.

"Captain! Jim!” Spock grinned.

It was worth everything and more, Jim thought, to see that grin, even before T’Pau saved his career. Warmth radiated throughout his body as he looked at Spock.

"Come on, Spock. Let's go mind the store."

The bridge felt brighter, and everyone was in high spirit. Jim sat back in his chair to deal with the endless paperwork before their arrival in Altair VI, and looked down to hide his smile, because Spock was here by his side, as he should be.

It was the third time he stole a glance at Spock that an epiphany hit him.

He loved Spock, as a friend, as a brother, but more importantly, as the better half of his soul.

It was only his command training that allowed Jim to get through his shift feigning normalcy. As soon as he returned to his quarters, he slumped against the wall and finally allowed himself to collapse.

How did it happen? How did he allow this to happen?

With nightly quiet chess games and conversations, with risking their lives in various missions, Spock had entered Jim’s heart and occupied his soul. It was impossible to isolate and suppress the hell out of the part that loved Spock, because he loved him with his whole self.

Almost immediately after this epiphany came the grave realization: his love must never come into the open.

There were no fraternization rules in Starfleet, but Jim made it his policy never to date his subordinates. A captain wielded a worrying amount of power, especially a flagship captain out in the open, and Starfleet would overlook a lot of abuse of that power before taking any action for its public image. His court martial was the best example. Any move on his own crew would be borderline coercion, not to mention to someone who literally must follow his every order.

To do it to Spock, who once tearfully admitted his shame in having any feelings, who would die before revealing how his biology forced him to submit to its control... Jim respected Spock and himself too much to do this to them, to turn his best friendship to a twisted nightmarish version of itself.

It was all right, Jim thought."Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair."He would care for his friend as usual, and if he tried enough, perhaps he would build a heaven in his selfish despair.

He reread A Tale of Two Cities that night, telling himself that that would be enough.

* * *

 

"Jim, Spock is dying,” Bones said with stiffened lips.

"Why?” Jim felt as if he had been punched in his stomach. _Not again_.

"His Pon Farr's returned. His stats are all as hellish as last time, and if this continues..."

Jim felt too tired to be angry. He should have known the universe would continue to screw with Spock.

"Did Spock mention any way to save his life? If we returned to Vulcan…”

"Your precious first officer is as tight-lipped as he was the first time. Talk some sense into him. I didn't do everything I did last time just to lose him again."

"I will."Spock might be resigned, but he would drag Spock from death with claws and teeth if necessary. Jim commed the bridge."Sulu, set a course for Vulcan."

He walked into Spock's quarters, shoulders straightened and tight, ready for a battle.

* * *

 

"I apologize that your sacrifice will be in vain. I resign from my duties as first officer and Science Officer, and have submitted a list of replacements to…” Spock kept looking at the wall in his private quarters.

"Request denied,” Jim said, his voice colder than expected. He had to hold himself together. He had to save Spock."I won’t lose my first officer because of a quirk of biology. We can get you to Vulcan again. Bones is concocting solutions as we are talking, and…”

"It is not just a biological quirk."Spock looked angry, and his hands shook. He breathed deeply and looked down at the desk."There’s nothing for me on Vulcan. Nothing. I am sorry, Jim."

Jim tightened his fists."Mate or die, right? If we find someone for you, if…”

"Anyone forced to endure my time will be chained to me for life. I will not force myself on any unwilling victims."Spock’s eyes practically begged. "Jim, please."

Jim wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He would have volunteered to save Spock a week ago, as his unauthorized detour to Vulcan proved, but after he had realized his feelings? He felt a pit in his stomach. His dream had turned into a nightmare.

Jim straightened his posture. He was a soldier, and he couldn’t lose this battle. Better a hell that Spock survived than a paradise Spock perished in. Jim wasn’t built for paradise anyway.

"I volunteer. I've already given up my career once to save you. I'll gladly give up more as long as you live."

Jim never expected to see Spock look so dumbfounded.

"You can’t, Jim. I forbid you. You shouldn’t…”

"Listen. We’re already tied in more ways than this."Jim looked down at Spock’s collar to make a point."We’re good friends, and enjoy spending time together. You’re the Fleet’s best first officer, and without you the Enterprise would have perished long ago, and billions of lives would have been lost. People marry for much less than that. Let me help."

He reached out for Spock’s hand and kissed it, suppressing the thoughts and feeling Spock never needed to know. He could live with that.

Spock broke.

Jim tumbled backwards when Spock pounced on him. Their lips knocked together painfully, and Spock ripped his shirt.

"Wait a moment,"Jim held Spock's wrists."I need to take care of the ship."

Jim could feel Spock's feverish heat, and Spock's eyes remained wild and uncomprehending. He rubbed Spock's wrists and tried to project as much assurance as he could."The ship, Spock. Then I will be right back."

Spock slowly nodded, and Jim pulled away gently. He first commed the bridge to cancel the course for Vulcan and resume their original route. Then he commed Bones. He'd need him to cover for them both."Bones, it's Jim. Mr. Spock and I are both medically indisposed."

"You don't - you’re not so stupid -”

"Bones,” Jim warned, mindful that he might be overheard by other Sickbay staff. "We'll both be unavailable for our duty because of the condition. I will inform Scotty to take over command temporarily."

"I'll check on you both every six hours. You'd better not die."

"Understood, Kirk out."

Spock shivered in Jim’s arms, but Jim’s touch seemed to stabilize him somehow. After he informed Scotty to take over command and fielded the inevitable questions, he switched off the comm and voice locked the door.

"All yours,” Jim whispered.

Spock pinned him down and reached for anywhere he could reach, bite and pinch. Then he put his hand on Jim’s face-

Spock’s mind erupted inside Jim like an active volcano, his thoughts burning like viscous lava flowing along Jim’s mind as his desire exploded hot and bright. For a moment Jim feared that Spock would burn away his mind.

He clung to Spock anyway. He hadn't gone so far just to lose them both here. Jim mustered all his conviction and strength and met fire with fire, a desperate human standing up to a burning Vulcan.

Their fires danced and tangled with each other, each in turn igniting the other to newer heights and sustaining the other. Distantly Jim felt his body moving along Spock's, and the sensation when Spock thrust along his body, but it was so far away. Jim felt lighter and lighter, flying straight towards the sun with Spock holding both his mind and his body. Together they merged with the sun. A new world was born.

For the next several days, Spock clung to him, pressing their bodies together as much as he could, even while Jim used the washroom. He hand-fed Jim water and food when Jim was too exhausted to move even a little finger, and licked away the sweat and fluid on Jim’s body. He held Jim protectively in his arms when Bones checked up on them in person, growled when Bones got too close, and murmured Vulcan words in a soft gentle voice as he massaged Jim’s sore body. It could be worse, Jim thought, when Spock's soothing hands became more demanding again.

"Take me. We will get through this,” Jim said, letting Spock drag him into desire and lust again. He would miss this intimacy when it ended.

* * *

 

Bones finally cleared both of them for duty, but ordered them to take a day's leave. To be honest Jim wasn't sure he could sit in his chair for long, but he protested for appearance’s sake."You said I was fine."

"Keep arguing with me and I'll make it three,” Bones said, glaring at them both."Take some time to rest and talk. I don't want you two to complain that I didn't give you time to deal with the remaining issues. Get out of my sickbay."

Back in Jim’s quarters, Spock kept looking down at his hands in his lap and Jim sighed.

"It's all right, Spock. It's really not as bad as you thought."

"Is it not?"Spock asked, and his bitterness shocked Jim."I dragged you into my madness and hurt you twice. Now we are bonded for life, and there is no way out for you."

Spock's words made Jim’s stomach sink. _I knew this before I jumped him. I have no one else to blame_ , he reminded himself.

"Marathon sex never hurt anyone."Jim put on his best smile."I plan to serve with you as long as I can, and as I said, people marry each other for various reasons. We are on a better footing than a lot of people by being friends. Don't your people believe that whatever will be, will be?"

"I fear that you will regret this greatly."

"Let me be the judge of that,” Jim said."So what will happen now? Are you really all right, and what will happen when…."

"We are bonded, so we are married according to Vulcan law. As Vulcan marriage is recognized by the Federation, we are considered a couple by both laws. However, we may need to submit documents to Starfleet and the Federation for record purposes."

Married. Jim had long given up on the idea after his failed proposal back in the Academy and taking to the stars, and now he was married to his best friend. _Who didn't want you._

"We can deal with the paperwork later,"Jim said."What else?"

"Bonded Vulcan couples can sense each other's location, and transmit thoughts to each other, but as you are human, you may not be as aware or able to make use of the bond as I. However, I will teach you shielding techniques so that you can ensure your privacy."

"Thanks,” Jim said."I can see how useful the bond could be in a mission, and I trust you with my mind. Anything else?"

"My… time may arrive in another seven years. When it comes, I will be called to you, and you will be affected."

"So now that we have a better sense of its signs, we'll arrange for leave on a safe planet. We’ll be fine."

Jim caught Spock's hands in his own."We have overcome numerous obstacles, and we’ve seen each other at our worst. We will survive this."

Spock nodded slightly, and Jim held on to Spock, hoping that his words would come true.

* * *

 

On the bridge, Jim took in the departmental reports and paperwork he received from his yeoman, while Spock was making up for lost time in the science lab. His replacement was competent, but still no substitute for Spock.

Jim poked the mental presence in his mind. Spock had said that their bond required time to stabilize so Jim’s shielding lessons would need to wait, and Jim had agreed. In fact, it was fascinating to have a basic awareness of Spock in his mind. Right now Spock’s curiosity and excitement from his experiments was getting Jim itching to check out what had got him so fascinated. As the ship was quiet, after he finished his workload, he called up his replacement so that he could go check on Spock. He went straight to Lab 13, where Spock was working. Spock was discussing the results with his subordinates, so Jim strolled along the lab, greeting and asking the scientific crew about their work until Spock came to him.

"You haven't finished your shift,” Spock said, but Jim detected a faint hint of warmth.

"Command privilege. It’s necessary for a captain to connect with his crew,” Jim said."How’s your work?”

It was interesting to listen to Spock now, with the extra layer of Spock’s knowledge and analysis in the background. It was still Spock’s knowledge, not his, but Jim got a first-hand feeling of how Spock’s logic worked. Spock was so animated underneath his straight face that Jim couldn’t help but smile at him.

After Spock's shift ended they retired to Jim's quarters to play chess. Chess had become an escalation of psychological warfare when both of them had a link to the other. Jim could sense Spock’s strategy vaguely, and he knew that Spock knew about that too. After Jim ceded his defeat and tipped over his king, he said, "I think you broke my brain."

”What do you suggest?”

"Why don’t we wrestle?”

Spock tensed up."Considering the previous events, I must refuse your invitation."

"It’s not your fault,” Jim said.

Spock stared at Jim’s neck. Jim sighed.

"You know I forgive you, if you need forgiving,” Jim said, projecting his firm conviction at Spock.

Spock’s eyes softened."You are as generous as ever, but I am still reluctant to fight you."

"All right,” Jim said, giving up on convincing Spock. He looked around his quarters for inspiration, reluctant to let their night end."Why don’t we listen to some music? I've just fallen in love with old Terran music and would like to show you."

"Very well."

Classical Irish music began to play. The singer’s sorrowful voice weaved magic out of the lyrics, and it was a delight to hear the ancient Irish instruments. It was so powerful that Jim felt transported to the ancient Emerald Isles.

"Do you like it?”

"The combination of the wind instruments and drums is interesting, and the singer carried the song well."

Jim laughed, glad that Spock liked it too."I can play more if you want. What other music do you like?”

Spock said patiently, "Vulcans do not like."

"Of course. I’ll just have to try harder to find out."

Spock’s eyes teased him back. Jim laughed louder. He really liked this guy.

* * *

 

Once again the Enterprise faced a threat that had obliterate billions of people and would continue its rampage until they could figure out how to stop it. How did Nomad, a reportedly destroyed Earth probe launched in early 2000s become a planet destroyer? If they worked out the reason and the mechanism, they would be able to stop it. Jim leaned towards Spock, hoping for an answer.

"Captain, I suggest the Vulcan mind probe,” Spock said."It seems the only way."

"Get into direct mental contact with that thing? You saw what it did to Uhura."Jim’s pulse sped up at the thought of the risk Spock would undertake.

"There is a risk, but I have formed a partial hypothesis. I must check it out."

Jim felt torn into two. Nomad had killed billions of people and would continue its killing spree until they figured out how to stop it, but Spock…

Jim stiffened his shoulders."Nomad, the unit Spock will touch you. It is not an attack. It is a form of communication. You will permit it."

"I will permit it, Creator."

Spock started the meld, and Jim watched him for any signs of problems. He felt a torrent rushing against him, bombarding his mind, and realized that the feeling was from Spock.

"I. Am. Nomad. I am performing my function. Deep emptiness, It approaches. Collision. Damage. Blackness. I. Am. The other…” Spock babbled, his eyes blank and lifeless.

"Spock. Spock!” Jim caught Spock in his arms. _Come back, Spock!"_ Nomad! You're in contact with the unit Spock. Stop! Stop!"

"Acknowledged."

Jim’s world narrowed down to Spock, who slumped in his arms and was too still. Through the bond Jim could feel Spock was overwhelmed by the assault, but still desperately sheltered Jim from the worst of it.

 _Lean on me_ , Jim thought. He rushed Spock out of the brig, knowing that Spock wouldn’t want to collapse in front of the crew. He leant Spock against the wall, catching his shoulders with firm hands.

He lowered some of his shields, and his mind was red hot with pain. Any wrong move would doom Spock, him, the ship and the whole galaxy. Using the mind techniques Spock had taught him, he stretched out for Spock, sending his strength and care as the only help he could give.

_Take everything of me. We’ll survive it._

The pain dampened, and the torrent subsided. Jim felt Spock’s mind grow calmer.

 _Are you all right?"_ Spock? Spock."

Jim hung on to Spock, feeling Spock’s rock hard muscle start to relax under his hands.

"Fascinating, Captain. The knowledge. The depth,” Spock said, while Jim heard him in his mind: _Do not worry. I am fine._

Jim’s stomach lightened. Now that Spock was all right, his responsibility to the ship took over."What does it mean, we are Nomad?”

* * *

 

Nomad had destroyed itself. Uhura had recovered enough to return to her duty. The ship and Spock were safe. The inevitable adrenaline crash came. Tomorrow he would write to the families of the crew killed by Nomad, and he would repeatedly go over how he would do better, but tonight he would rest.

Someone knocked his door."Enter,” Jim said. _No rest for the wicked._

Spock walked in, and Jim closed their distance with a few steps."Are you all right?”

 _I seem to be asking this a lot recently,_ Jim thought. _And I'll probably continue to ask it, given the way our life is going._ It was a depressing thought.

"Meditation will help me me recover my balance,” Spock said. Then he held Jim’s wrists."You took a great risk today to save my life and sanity."

"It’s nothing. We've done this for each other many times before."

Spock shook his head."The amount of Nomad’s data was overwhelming. Without you, I may have endured permanent injury."

Jim caught Spock’s biceps. _Spock, damaged beyond repair…_ "You won’t do it again."

"I cannot promise that. For the good of the many…”

Jim hated how true Spock’s words were."Try your best."

"I will."

"I’ll hold you to your word."

Spock looked down for a moment."I have a request, which you have no obligation to…”

"Tell me,” Jim said, long accepted that he would give his life and beyond for Spock, and with a smile.

"I would ask to stay close with you tonight. Your presence will aid my recovery, but..."

"Sure,” Jim said."I hope you don’t mind the small bed."

Spock looked almost shy."I do not."

Jim questioned the wisdom of his choice once they lay down on the small bed. The limited space forced them to press against each other, but it felt really nice to have Spock by his side. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he stole a moment fantasizing about things that would never happen, Jim thought, leaning towards Spock and sinking into the heat and comfort in his sleep.

The next day they parted, and Spock looked better. It was enough, Jim told himself.

* * *

 

It was a joy and pain to be so close to Spock. The murmur of Spock’s mind calmed and anchored him, and he treasured Spock's presence. Sometimes he looked at Spock at his station and was struck how lucky he was to have Spock by his side.

The weight of his collar dampened his spirits, reminding him that Spock was an unwilling prisoner in this. Sometimes it was easy. He was so good at suppressing his desire and want that he forgot about them. Sometimes he indulged himself in the illusion that Spock was content, if not happy with him, and it was enough.

Then Spock said something or did something so ordinary and yet so captivating like existing, and Jim felt his heart pierced by want again.

Sometimes he was amused that he was playing the role of a martyr in a clichéd romance, with Spock as the classical unattainable object. Perhaps he was actually in love more with the fiction than with Spock? But Spock was much better than any fiction he could think of.

Sometimes he thought he saw longing in Spock's eyes, or read too much into Spock's touch. Then he had to tell himself it was just another fiction.

Spock had too much integrity to breach Jim’s privacy, which Jim was thankful for. Nothing would hurt more than their easy friendship being ruined because Jim was too greedy. Sodom was destroyed because they wanted to know more than they should. Jim didn't need a salt pillar to know his place.

He smiled while he bled inside, but the play must go on.

* * *

 

Jim wasn't exactly a good judge of family dynamics, but the behaviour of the Vulcan ambassador and his wife explained so much about Spock's issues. Forever torn between two worlds, Spock had to bear two parents who each wanted to shape him to their image. No wonder he escaped to Starfleet.

Spock wouldn't want comfort, so Jim did his best to give him space and let him take refuge in his work.

Ferrying the ambassadors turned out to be more than he expected, with a murder, a mysterious intruder vessel, and Sarek's collapse. But he was too resigned to the universe's way by now to muster up the energy to protest.

* * *

 

_Spock!_

The blade pierced his lung. Breathing hurt _._ His head became dizzy and his body froze. Before his collapse, he thought he heard Spock.

_Jim!_

* * *

 

Jim hated that he pushed Spock into a catch 22. Starfleet. Parent. Spock would do the right thing, even though it tore him apart.

No more.

Starfleet had no right to enslave Spock. Jim had always believed in a winnable solution. If it meant he had to smile while his wound tore him apart, he was an old hand at this.

He wasn't suicidal nor a fool. He had a plan. It was just his usual luck that their mysterious pursuer attacked them now, and there was no way Jim would shy away from his duty.

Jim hissed when he pulled his wound while breathing. The coming several days would be hellish.

"Captain," Spock stood in parade rest, his muscle tensed and he actually frowned at him. Jim must have pissed him off.

"Bones finally releasing you out of his clutches?" Jim asked. When in doubt, distract.

"You risked yourself recklessly in your charade."Spock saw through his tactics as usual. "Doctor McCoy was irresponsible letting you out in your weakened condition. If your treatment had been delayed any longer-”

"But I got back in time. The Enterprise is safe. The diplomats are safe on Babel now. Everything is fine."

"It is not fine,” Spock said."Sarek understands duty and Vulcan’s interest will be served by his aide, but for the Enterprise to lose its captain..."

Spock looked away. Jim warmed up inside.

"Sorry for worrying you,” he said. "I was really planning to turn command over to Scotty and report to my quarters as soon as possible." He patted Spock’s shoulder."I can’t condemn you for your sense of duty, and I won’t let you condemn yourself."

"Why?” Spock asked.

 _Does Spock not realize how important he is to me?"_ It’s obvious. You’re my best friend, my first officer. Not to mention that we’re kind of married, and to humans marriage means standing by each other, even on bad days."

Spock looked as if he were struck, and Jim wondered what he could have said to cause it.

"What’s wrong, Spock?”

"Your words... make a trying situation more difficult."

"What did I do wrong? Let me know so that I can make amends for it."

"You did nothing wrong,” Spock said. He looked down at his hands and breathed deeply. "It is my own doing. I have no excuse for myself, as I know that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting."

"What do you mean?” Jim asked, trying not to make assumptions.

"You are my captain and my friend, and I swear loyalty to you. You repeatedly do great harm to yourself for my sake, and even offer yourself in… It is more than enough and I should be content."

"Spock,” Jim hid his trembling hands in his lap. "Do you mean that you want me? As more than a friend?”

"I am grateful for your presence in my life,” Spock said. "Please excuse me. I will meditate to bring my unruly thoughts in order."

"Oh no you don’t!” Jim caught Spock’s biceps. It was one thing to suffer in his own fiction. It was another to let Spock suffer."'I’m your captain, and I can’t want more than you can give, but I still want more. I didn't go to you in your time as a sacrificial lamb. I will go to you as long as you want me."

For a moment Spock froze. Then he caught Jim in his arms, and put a hand on Jim’s meld points.

Warmth. Desire. Respect. Admiration. Friendship. Longing. Jim saw himself through Spock's eyes, the positive a little brighter, the negative dimmer, but still a somewhat accurate representation. Spock knew his faults, weaknesses and struggles, but he accepted and embraced all of it.

The spark of gold of Jim’s hair on the bridge. The way Jim held a pawn in a chess game. A friendly touch to the shoulders. Spock hoarded all these moments like a miserable miser, going over them on lonely nights. Did Jim smile more brightly at him than the others, and if so what did it mean? When Jim locked eyes with him over the guests with teasing eyes, what did it mean for Jim and himself?

The time robbed him of his mind, until a dying cry for him to live broke through his haze. Jim was too still. Jim should never be still.

"I killed my captain and my friend," he said. He welcomed the coming slow and painful death, which he would savour every pain and hurt, just like Jim suffered under his hands.

Jim, alive. Jim willing to forgive him. Jim, still his captain and friend.

"Captain, you almost make me believe in luck," he once said, not knowing how true the words would someday feel.

His time returned. The agony. The burn. _But this time I must keep Jim safe._

Then Jim came to him and offered his embrace, with his mind and body. The ecstasy of bonding to Jim for life was only dampened afterwards by realizing that he had forced Jim into a bond he didn't ask for.

Jim was talented at shielding, but Spock could sense even when Jim smiled, vague sadness lingered in Jim that intensified when Spock was here. It broke his heart that Jim was unhappy because of him, but he was too selfish to let him go. Having might be not as pleasant as wanting, but he could not return to wanting, now that he had felt Jim’s dynamic thoughts in the background of his mind.

So he settled for what he had, which was more than he deserved. If it hurt, it was only himself at stake.

Jim felt heartbroken at Spock's grief. What a pair of noble idiots they were, pining and hurting to protect each other, not realizing that they both wanted the same thing. He pulled down his shields and let his love, desire and desperation show. Spock's surprise and joy radiated through him, and he had never seen Spock's mind so bright before.

 _You want me,_ Spock thought.

_Yes. At my side as always. Parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched._

_Parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched._ The worship in Spock's voice overwhelmed Jim.

"How did we wait so long? We’re supposed to be smart people."

"One of your poets said love made a fool of everyone."

Jim thrilled to hear Spock talking about love."Then we will have a lot to make up for."

"Your command is my wish."

Jim froze at the words, the collar weighed heavy on his neck.

"Jim,” Spock said, "in ancient Vulcan, warriors were fierce with their freedom, but it was an honour to serve a worthy lord. It is an honour to serve you under Starfleet’s dictate. It is an even greater honour when I volunteer my service to you as your mate."

"I don't know what I did to deserve you."

"By being yourself."

"Who am I to question your logic?"Jim smiled."Do you want to kiss your spouse?"

Spock's eyes lit up, and he kissed Jim. Jim gave back as much as he could. A true joy radiated through his body.

They kept kissing and touching each other, hungry for the other’s skin and touch. Somehow they stumbled to the bed. Jim sighed when he got his hands under Spock’s clothes, feeling Spock’s warm skin underneath.

"I love you,” Jim murmured into Spock’s ear and licked its tip, loving how Spock’s breath hitched as he playfully nipped and kissed his ear, and felt a wave of affection in his mind.

Spock let go of Jim and gently pushed him to sit. He knelt by the bed and removed Jim’s boots and socks, placing soft kisses on Jim’s feet.

It felt incredible, and Jim was overwhelmed by the wave of reverence and admiration Spock transmitted during the act.

Then Spock removed Jim’s trousers, kissing and nipping Jim’s thighs, his tongue teasing him.

"Up, please,” Jim moaned. He wanted more of Spock's warm mouth and clever tongue. Then he almost collapsed when Spock took mercy on him and took Jim’s organ into his mouth.

Spock's mouth was so hot and wet around him, and his skillful tongue drove Jim crazy with the things it did to the head. When he released Jim Jim almost whined, but then Spock began licking and caressing his balls and the tender skin behind. Jim got so hard that it hurt.

"I’m going to come,"Jim warned.

"You should be more patient,"Spock said, squeezing Jim to prevent him from coming.

"When you're doing things like this?"

"I haven’t finished with you yet."Spock stood up and helped Jim remove his shirt."I fantasize about you in your wrap around shirt."

Spock's confession made Jim feel his face warm up."What kind of fantasy?"

"I want to pull it off you slowly and do this to you,” Spock replied. Then he sucked, licked and nipped Jim’s nipples, and Jim pushed against him. Then Spock kissed down and Jim laughed when Spock licked around his navel.

"It tickled."

"I treasure your smile and laughter."

Jim felt warmth radiating through his body. "Now you're making me blush."

"How far will your blush go?" Spock asked. "I shall perform a test."

Spock caressed and bit Jim, his uniform rubbing against Jim’s body, the rough texture igniting Jim’s skin. Jim felt vulnerable against Spock's fully clothed body, but the contrast made him more aware of Spock's control, which turned him on even more. He put his hands on Spock's sides under the clothes, feeling Spock's rapid pulse.

"I want to see more of you,” he said.

Spock stood to remove his uniform efficiently, and Jim’s mouth dried up. He had seen Spock in various state of undress before, unavoidable given their mission record and living arrangements, but now he could really look. Jim wanted to feel how smooth Spock's chest hair was, and map Spock's lean and deceptively muscular body with his hands.

His eyes moved down to Spock's groin. He never had a proper chance to look during Spock's pon farr, but now he could take his time. It was similar to a human’s, greener, thinner and longer, with a double ridged head. Jim’s mouth watered when he thought about taking it into his mouth."I want to suck you. Would you like that?"

Jim felt a wave of Spock's lust. He was about to kneel to take Spock inside his mouth, but Spock stopped him with a gentle hand, and rearranged their positions so that now Jim’s face was right against Spock's groin while Spock hummed with Jim inside his mouth. The way Spock casually manhandled him spiked Jim’s desire.

He took Spock into his mouth, using his tongue and throat muscles to give him a good time. When Spock moaned, it further stimulated Jim. When Spock made Jim see stars with his mouth, he took more of Spock in. It was a competition that both benefited from.

Jim’s pleasure piled up and his orgasm was imminent, but Spock did something in his mind and Jim whined when he was stopped in the middle.

 _You're so cruel,_ Jim told him.

_I want you to be inside me in more than one way._

_Really?_ Jim felt a spike of heat. _I have lube in my closet drawer._ _Can you check if it's safe for your use?_

They released each other and Spock checked over the lube."It will be fine,” he said.

Jim looked at Spock’s blushing face and proud erection, trying to think it through with his lust-addled brain.

"Why don't you lie on your front?” he asked.

Spock turned his back with such grace that Jim’s desire flamed brighter. He put a pillow under Spock's hips and knelt behind Spock, rubbing a large amount of lube on his fingers.

Spock's pale skin looked so delicious that Jim kissed and licked the skin around his hole, enjoying the quiet sounds Spock made. He circled his finger around, and slowly pressed against the hole.

"Relax, I am going to put one in," Jim said with another hand caressing Spock's thighs.

Spock breathed slowly, and Jim’s finger entered smoothly. Spock's muscle squeezed against it, as if he hadn't made up his choice to welcome or reject the intruder.

"Are you all right?" Jim asked.

"Go on,"Spock replied.

Soon Jim got another finger in, savouring how hot and wet Spock was around him, how Spock sighed and panted when Jim scissored inside him. When Spock craned his neck to looked at Jim, Jim was stunned by his eyes filled with passion and desire.

"You feel so great. I can't wait to get inside you," Jim said and kissed him.

He withdrew his fingers and Spock pressed against him, trying to catch them. Jim moaned, his erection hard enough to hurt. He pressed it against Spock's hole and asked, "Are you ready?"

Spock felt more than ready to Jim, but he wanted him to speak it out loud.

"Yes. Enter me now,” Spock raised his ass up.

Jim entered Spock slowly to give him a chance to adjust, but Spock soon got impatient, thrusting his hips up hard. Both of them groaned when Jim filled Spock to the hilt.

"More, Captain,” Spock panted, thrusting his hips so hard that Jim feared that Spock would hurt himself.

Spock's use of Jim’s title brought Jim over, and he rode Spock earnestly. When Jim was about to come, Spock’s desire exploded in Jim’s mind. There were no barriers between them. Jim felt the double sensation of being squeezed by Spock's muscle and penetrated inside. Desire and love overwhelmed them. They came together with a shout.

Afterwards Jim lay side by side with Spock. In a minute they would need a shower, but for now Jim was content cuddling with Spock. "Love you,” he said.

 _I cherish you, t'hy'la_ , Spock said through their bond, filling Jim’s body with warmth. He kissed Spock on the neck, thankful that Starfleet brought Spock into his life. He vowed to love and cherish Spock as long as he lived.

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogues and quotes are taken from the following episodes: The Squire of Gothos, A Taste of Armageddon, The Devil in the Dark, Operation: Annihilate, Amok Time, The Changeling, and Journey to Babel
> 
> The verse Jim quotes comes from The Clod and the Pebble By William Blake in Songs of Innocence and of Experience.


End file.
